All shades of Purple

Because purple is my favorite color.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Not there yet

Yesterday morning I sat listening to the weather and traffic report across the breakfast table from my husband. A winter storm was beginning and all the feelings of terror and panic I've been conditioned to came rushing back. I try again to memorize every feature of the face I love. I try to record every word he says and the sound of his voice as a stockpile against possible loss. And all those bargaining prayers start before he is even on the road. "If you will just let him live . . ." I know it is melodramatic and ludicrous, but doesn't everyone do it? In times of near crisis, don't we all think "if this is the last time I see you . . ."?

I discovered the fragility of life early, when my dad nearly died in an accident. I replay all those emotions each time it rains, or snows or traffic is snarly and sometimes I am afraid. On such a morning, when I kiss my husband goodbye and think "I can't live without you," I remember my mom talking about the accident years later. While my dad was fighting for his life, she prayed. And as she prayed, she said she finally came to a place where she could say "Even if you take him, I will still trust you. You are enough."

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